The Search for Significance

36 The Search For SignificanceSpirit, we can challenge the indoctrinations andtraditions that have long held us in guilt and condemnation.Then we can replace those deceptionswith the powerful truths of the Scriptures.One of the main deceptions we tend to believeis that success will bring fulfillment and happiness.Again and again, we've tried to measure up,thinking that if we could meet certain standards,we would feel good about ourselves. But again andagain we've failed and are left feeling miserable.Even if we succeed almost all of the time, occasionalfailure can be so devastating that it candominate our perception of ourselves.Consciously or unconsciously, all of us have experiencedthis feeling that we must meet certainarbitrary standards to attain self-worth. At thatpoint, we are accepting the first false belief: */must meet certain standards in order to feel goodabout myself." When we believe this about ourselves,Satan's distortion of truth is reflected inour attitudes and behavior.Because of our unique personalities, people reactvery differently to this deception. As we sawin the last chapter, one frequent response is thatpeople become slaves to perfectionism — drivingthemselves incessantly toward attaining goals.Perfectionists can be quite vulnerable to seriousmood disorders, and they often anticipate rejectionwhen they believe they haven't met the standardsthey are trying so hard tomeet. Therefore,perfectionists tend to react defensively to criticismand demand to be in control of most situationsthey encounter. Because they are more competentthan most, perfectionists see nothing wrongwith their compulsions. "I just like to see thingsdone well," they claim. There is certainly nothinginherently wrong with doing things well, but theproblem is that perfectionists base their self-worthon their ability to accomplish a goal. Therefore,

The Performance Trap 3?failure is a threat and totally unacceptable tothem.Karen, a wife, mother, and civic leader, seemedideal to everyone who knew her. She was a perfectionist.Her house looked picture-perfect, her kidswere always spotless, and her skills as president ofthe Ladies' Auxiliary were superb. In all areas,Karen was always in charge, always successful.However, one step out of the pattern Karen hadset could lead to a tremendous uproar. When othersfailed to comply with her every demand, hercondemnation was quick and cruel. One day,Karen's husband, Jerry, could stand no more. Hewanted an understanding wife, someone he couldtalk to and share with, not an egocentric, selfdrivenperfectionist. Friends simply could not understandwhy Jerry chose to leave such a seeminglyperfect wife.Like Karen, many people are high achievers,driven beyond healthy limitations. Rarely relaxingand enjoying life, they let their families and relationshipssuffer as they strive to accomplish theiroften unrealistic goals.On the other hand, the same false belief ("Imust meet certain standards to feel good about myself.")that drives many to perfectionism, sendsstill others into a tailspin of despair. They neverexpect to achieve anything or feel good aboutthemselves. Because of their past failures, they arequick to interpret present failures as an accuratereflection of their worthlessness. Fearing additionalfailures, they become despondent and quittrying.Finally, another significant problem often resultsfrom the pressure of having to meet self-imposedstandards in order to feel good about ourselves:a rules-dominated life. Individuals caughtin this trap have a set of rules for every situationin life and continually place their attention on